Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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