we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
