When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
