I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My penis needs a shock collar
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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