Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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