your parents love me but you hate me
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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