Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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