You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
