On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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