This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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