the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize