I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
