Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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