atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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