he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
True strength comes from lack of pants
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
