my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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