Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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