I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
