Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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