Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
