I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
