At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
