I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
