Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
