got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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