Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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