He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
