Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
