I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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