I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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