he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
