So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
