I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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