cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
