I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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