One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
