And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
