ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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