in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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