Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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