He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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