I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
cat food counts as protein by the way
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
