I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
