I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
