FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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