i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Semen is not good for contacts.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
