I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
