Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Randomize
