In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
