Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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