come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize