i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
