You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
