Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
