I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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