I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
