Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
