420 ftw
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
