Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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