so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize