FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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