I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
