So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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