Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
