do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Come share oat with me in your robe
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
